How to help your middle schooler get a leg up on school
This is very different than my advice for elementary students, and doesn’t even sound school related. Middle school is a really good time to start working on agency in your child. All my advice about middle school is in that vein.
Agency is the ability to decide to do something and do it. To have control over your own life and destiny, and even more importantly, to feel as if you have control over your own life and destiny. It’s a therapist word and it’s all about personal power and ownership of your own life. I know I need to work on it more, and many many adults do as well. Having good agency inoculates you against stress, helplessness, anxiety, and becoming a victim of bullying or other undesirable things. It of course doesn’t prevent any of those things, but it does reduce your risk and lessen the effect.
I believe middle school is the perfect time for your child to develop agency! It dovetails seamlessly with all the other big changes and growth happening at this point in development.
There are a few ways to do this:
Watch carefully for things they are interested in. Maybe your middle schooler is a food critic (always has a comment about something you could do better with dinner), wants to earn money for an expensive pair of shoes, wants to hack something to make it better, is the best at card tricks, loves yarn crafts, is an outstanding artist, bakes all the time, can always fix the printer when it breaks, or anything else. It’s fairly straightforward to treat that interest as a serious thing and offer support and ideas. Maybe it’s answering requests for babysitting or yard work in your neighborhood, buying a lock picking kit for them to practice, pointing them in the direction of Julia Child or Alton Brown, or finding a group that makes blankets for hospitals. Offering support and wisdom can help them feel seen and gather resources to really grow in their hobby.
Step two is where the fun really begins. I love treating middle schoolers as real adults that have real impact on the adult world. That looks like differing to them when possible. Someone wants to know great book recommendations for late elementary school? My daughter has read way more than I have. I need a fancy meal for an event? My son loves to cook new, elaborate things. It goes way beyond my memories of the kids having to program the VCR for the parents—the goal is for your kids to be able to be an authentically valued resource even outside of your immediate family. The joy on a young face when an adult non relative asks them a serious question is priceless.
One other thing to implement around the same time is to start passing more of the responsibilities of their lives on to them. They can do their own laundry, cook dinner one night a week, keep track of their team schedule, notice and tell you when they need a refill of toothpaste or whatever. I shift in this direction by getting really bad at things (shhh don’t tell my kids!). I might forget to put their clothes in the dryer so they don’t have the uniform they need, wake them up late so they need to scramble to get to something they value, be really busy and super grateful for anything they cook, etc. You want to let them dangle a bit and suffer some. So maybe they get a sunburn one day and then start taking more responsibility for remembering sunscreen. They might forget to bring food or money to something and be hungry for awhile. These are all really great ways for kids to start taking on responsibility for their own stuff. Don’t point out their mistake and rub it in! Let them learn their own way.
Why is this important and how on earth does it relate to school? Well, once your child believes they can affect their own destiny, they might start thinking about school work differently. They might take a stand on which classes to take, think about what they need to get something finished, and begin to plan ahead a little. And even if they don’t apply these new skills to school, you can help them do that as issues come up.
One final word of advice: as your kids develop agency it will be uncomfortable for you. They’ll do things you wouldn’t do, in a different way than you would, and much much later than you would prefer. It’s hard to watch and be supportive as they do everything “wrong.” Some things will feel dangerous, messy, wasteful, or just dumb to you. You need to figure what boundaries you have in your house and otherwise be supportive. For me, my kids couldn’t specialize in video games, or really anything with screens. You might draw the line at glitter, or drums. You get to set the boundaries you can live with, and then hang on for the ride!